DEEP ROOTS
I’ve struggled my entire life with this concept. I’ve likened the idea of putting down roots to being in a situation from which I cannot escape, trapped or entangled. The feeling that I am searching for — to be accepted in a place where I can grow and build a home — has eluded me because the very roots that are required for that have felt like an entanglement; and it wasn’t ‘til now that I recognized it as a web of my own making. I believed there was something better “out there”. My fear of missing out or that I might be let down, are the same seductive ideas that never allowed me to move forward; fear kept me from real change, of becoming the man I know I am capable of being.
If we are always expecting a future based on our past experiences, then how can we realize the present, where we are told happiness exists? The truth is, we can’t. I haven’t felt happiness for a long time because I’ve been too concerned that there is a better feeling somewhere other than where I am. I have been grateful for those who love and support me but I haven’t actually felt the gratitude because my mind was focused on my future happiness — but the future doesn’t exist so neither could the feeling I longed for.
Satisfaction is not on the surface, it needs to be extracted from below; you must burrow deep. I realized that shallow efforts return shallow results. My results have been a reflection of my distrust — of myself and others. That which feeds is below. Without depth, the water evaporates. If I don’t dig in and ground myself there is no nourishment, no sustainability; without commitment to people and to a place there is no growth.
A friend once told me that when we’re unhappy in a situation we begin to create our own end. This may take months or years to come to fruition, subconsciously at first — as we project our future — and then physically, as we start to act in a way that ultimately manifests that prediction—a self fulfilling prophecy. I’ve done it my whole life, I know how to be irritating, I’m good at pushing boundaries to see how far I can take something before it breaks and when it does I move on. I set the scenario for rejection so I can excuse the lack of commitment, and to prove that there really is something better elsewhere. I’ve been splashing in puddles and calling them tidal waves.
It is time to change.
If I plant a seed in the right soil and focus on taking care of that seed so that it can grow, the trivial things that distract me will be powerless to uproot me.
“We have faith in our own poison” is a statement I’ve read almost every day this year without realizing it is exactly what I’ve been doing. It resonated with me on a very deep level, but I did not understand why until recently. If there’s one person we are all good at deceiving, it is ourselves because our ego is masterful at playing tricks; and if it goes unchecked for too long, it takes over. I had no idea that my ego is, and has been in the driver’s seat for a long time. I talk to other people about being aware of their own, and because I convinced myself I was aware, I fell into the exact trap I warn others to avoid. My ego has not allowed me to put down roots until now because I gave it the power to decide, and the ego can only imagine its greatness; which is always conveniently in the future. Now I realize my future will only be great if I can imagine the greatness of the present moment. Where I am is here and now, and that is the best I can do.
What do I do from here? Be aware, actually aware; not at the surface level that has fooled me for so long, but a deep understanding of what blocks, and has blocked me. I want to put down roots alongside people I love and respect instead of running away from them. Digging deep is not a trap, it is the foundation, it is my solution. I’ve recognized my plot of soil and I want to put as many nutrients as possible into it so that those who share it with me can grow as well. Where we settle is a garden, it takes maintenance, hard work, pain, but more than anything it takes commitment to the concept of growth. In guiding others I have found that I also need guiding. Asking for help isn’t easy for me, but it’s necessary. We don’t need hand-holding, we need the work and the guidance from those that have done it and can see the path. My future and how I feel are a result of what I plant now, so I am sowing.
